Happy Friday, Gentle Readers,
I pray this missive finds you well.
The new chickens are safe and secure in their pen, the lawn is mowed, and all I have to do is drink a beer, eat a burger, and go to the local revival house this evening for the Marx Brothers’ “The Cocoanuts.” Mrs. Brown is being a sport by agreeing to go. Of course, as a man, I think movies featuring performers like The Three Stooges are second only to Shakespeare’s comedies. Women frequently do not share this opinion. So if Mrs. Brown does not enjoy the Marx Brothers, my first task on Saturday may be to locate a florist.
You can’t tell the player without a program!
For you younger folks, that’s what they used to shout at ballparks when they were trying to sell programs. (They also sold cigars, too, but that is another column.) The concept was that you could match the number on the uniform to the name in the program and tell who was up to bat, on base, or playing a particular position. It occurred to me that the sad hedonism of the 21st century could benefit from such programs, after I read the letter below in the New York Times:
My Boyfriend Has a Husband. Should I Tell Him About Us?
I’m a man who’s been with my husband for over 35 years. Some 12 years ago, I began a second relationship with another man. I didn’t seek it out, but it has deeply enriched my life. I’ve been open with my husband, and this honesty led to our own understanding about boundaries — what some call ethical nonmonogamy.
My struggle: My second partner hasn’t told his husband about the nature of our relationship. They have an open arrangement, but our depth and specifics haven’t been revealed. That makes me uncomfortable. Friends say I’m not responsible for his honesty, but do I have a moral obligation to a man I don’t know? — Name Withheld
The New York Times Ethicist (and yes, I am aware of the irony, considering it’s the Times, that has to be an extremely part-time job.) advised the person to pretty much mind his own business.
Well, Mr. Withheld, it’s never a good idea, whether you’re straight, bi, or tri, to start flipping tiddlywinks with whoever puts some pep in your step or lead in your pencil if you are in a committed relationship. Even if it is “ethical nonmonogamy.” Phrases like “ethical nonmonogamy” are part of your problem.
Everyone is so busy pushing boundaries that they suddenly realize they’ve turned into Wile E. Coyote, running off the edge of the cliff, and blinking a few times before plunging hundreds of feet to the canyon floor and disappearing in a puff of dust. People have more genders than a bubble full of ping-pong balls on lotto night and are so busy forging ahead to be different that they run into dead ends and have quandries like yours that make Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First?” routine sound like the Gettysburg Address. You’ve all been so busy redefining things that nothing has any meaning anymore.
Look, Mr. Withheld, I can’t speak for every conservative out there, but most of us don’t clutch our pearls and head to the fainting couch because two men or two women decide to get married. But I will tell you this: marriage is not about “ethical nonmonogamy” or even “ethical monogamy.” Quit trying to quantify humanity in Lefty doublespeak.
The sexual attraction in marriage matters. It matters a lot. But the reason it matters is that you have committed to making a life with that person and no other. Abuse of any kind, an addiction that someone refuses to address, and adultery are excluded. You say “I do” because you don’t want anyone else.
Besides sex and romance, laughs, holidays, and celebrations, marriage is about taking your spouse to the ER because their flu has turned into pneumonia. It’s about stepping up to the plate when they lose their job. It’s about occasional fights or disagreements, but it’s also about reconciling and moving forward.
It’s about sacrificing for that person. It’s about empathy and sympathy. It’s about loving someone in prosperity or poverty. It’s about forsaking all others and living, or if necessary, dying for that person because there is NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD YOU WOULD RATHER BE WITH. And you’re grateful and overjoyed at the privilege.
Get that through your head, sir, and you’ll be a better man.
Wine recommendation:
Because, Marx Bros.!
Groucho: Uh, have you got any stewed prunes?
Ship’s Steward: Yes, sir.
Groucho: Well, give them some black coffee, that’ll sober them up.
Good wine does not have to be expensive. Sometimes, a decent bottle may only cost $9 to $13 if you know where to look. With that in mind, please meet the 2017 Smoking Loon Original Syrah.
No, this is not an expensive wine. But inexpensive does not have to translate to those cans of wine you see on sale at the store. This very dry and serviceable Chilean Syrah is nice and strong, while trending a little toward the center on tannins and acidity. Look for a strong taste of dark fruits, coupled with a little oak, a decent bit of smoke, tobacco, and leather.
I think for the price point, you are going to find it a good buy and a nice surprise. It’s kind of a casual wine, so if you are trying to impress a date, you might want something a tad more spendy. But if you have to impress a date that much, maybe you should keep the wine and find another date. This is a good bottle to split with your spouse, significant other, or good friends. It would make a nice addition to your next barbecue.
That’s it for me. Have a great weekend, and I’ll see you next time.
I hope you have a relaxing, stress-free, and politics-free weekend. Don’t worry; the world will still be falling apart on Monday, and we are all happy to cover it for you. If you need something to do this weekend, why not become a VIP member and enjoy all the amenities of being a PJ insider, including access to our media library, which will keep you informed and entertained. Click here and use promo code FIGHT for a 60% discount.
