In a Slate piece about the British royal family, Anglo-American polemicist Christopher Hitchens reminded the world that “[a]t a point in the not-too-remote future, the stout heart of Queen Elizabeth II will cease to beat,” at which point the throne would pass to a man he summed up thusly: “a morose bat-eared and chinless man, prematurely aged, and with the most abysmal taste in royal consorts.”
Tell us how you really feel. Perhaps not surprisingly, due to the fact that he lived on a diet of erudite rage, scotch, and cigarettes, Queen Elizabeth II outlived Hitchens by a fairly wide margin — although his description of the future King Charles III in that 2010 article has survived and been bandied about a bit in the decade-and-a-half since.
While many fans of “The Hitch” will quote that line (along with the too-perfect title of the essay, “Charles, Prince of Piffle”), few will take note of why the oracle of invective had turned his ire on the then-Prince of Wales, which was in the same paragraph: “In strict constitutional terms, this ought not to matter much. The English monarchy, as has been said, reigns but does not rule … [but] a king does have the ability to alter the atmosphere and to affect the ways in which important matters are discussed. (The queen herself proved that in subtle ways, by letting it be known that there were aspects of Margaret Thatcher’s foreign policy that she did not view with unmixed delight.)”
And in 2025, the now King of Piffle is letting President Donald Trump know there are certain aspects of his foreign policy — mostly imagined — that he does not view with unmixed, or any, delight either. Piffle-filled that he still is, he decided to do this during a rare “Speech from the Throne” to the Parliament of Canada on Tuesday — although it wasn’t written by him, according to CBS News. Instead, the sovereign was acting as the mouthpiece of Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney’s office.
According to CBS News, the “rare gesture” of the king giving the speech broadly “outlined the new government’s agenda and priorities, while acknowledging the political and economic dynamics on the world stage affecting the country.” Guess which dynamics those were?
“Today, Canada faces another critical moment. Democracy, pluralism, the rule of law, self-determination, and freedom are values which Canadians hold dear, and ones which the government is determined to protect.”
—King Charles III, delivering the Speech from the Throne#cdnpoli pic.twitter.com/wEeqbJoE1C
— CPAC (@CPAC_TV) May 27, 2025
Yes, King Charles III is being trotted out to counter the “51st state” rhetoric from Donald Trump that Donald Trump himself does not actually plan to follow through upon. Oh, and also, tariffs are bad.
“The system of open global trade that, while not perfect, has helped to deliver prosperity for Canadians for decades, is changing. Canada’s relationships with partners are also changing,” Charles said, according to a transcript from the National Post.
Do you approve of how Trump has handled Canada?
“We must be clear-eyed: the world is a more dangerous and uncertain place than at any point since the Second World War. Canada is facing challenges that are unprecedented in our lifetimes.Many Canadians are feeling anxious and worried about the drastically changing world around them,” he continued.
“Fundamental change is always unsettling. Yet this moment is also an incredible opportunity. An opportunity for renewal. An opportunity to think big and to act bigger. An opportunity for Canada to embark on the largest transformation of its economy since the Second World War.”
Sorry — most dangerous period since World War II? I seem to remember this time in the 1960s when Cuba had missiles pointed at the United States and nuclear winter was threatening to break out. Or the civil unrest of 1968, in which two of America’s leaders were assassinated and the French government was practically toppled. Or Sept. 11, 2001. Or… but I digress. He didn’t think about it, why should we?
Later in the speech: “The Government will protect Canada’s sovereignty by rebuilding, rearming, and reinvesting in the Canadian Armed Forces. It will boost Canada’s defence industry by joining ReArm Europe, to invest in transatlantic security with Canada’s European partners. And it will invest to strengthen its presence in the North, which is an integral part of Canada, as this region faces new threats,” Charles said.
What — Quebec is going to declare independence and invade Newfoundland and Labrador? Je me souviens!
According to an Axios piece published before the speech, Carney’s office said that Charles’ ventriloquism performance would “show the shared history between Canada and England — in contrast to the relationship with the country along its southern border.”
Axios also noted that “Trump’s repeated threats to the U.S. [sic] prompted Carney to invite Charles to deliver the speech.”
“The Royal Visit is a reminder of the bond between Canada and the Crown – one forged over generations, shaped by shared histories, and grounded in common values,” Carney said via a statement. “A bond that, over time, has evolved, just as Canada has, to reflect the strength, diversity, and confidence of our people.”
Let me translate that into normal-people talk: Carney’s surprise victory — mostly a reaction to Trump and the fact that he has long promised to fundamentally alter the nature of the economic relationship between the U.S. and Canada — still doesn’t solve the fundamental issues that led to the Liberal Party’s unpopularity and Justin Trudeau’s ouster. Given that Carney is a bland Davos-ite globalist who has all the charm of sticky, lukewarm oatmeal, he decided to call in a bit of bling from King Charles III, who tried to lend the preposterous claim that Canada is under any military threat from the United States what political commentators back in the ’90s would call “gravitas.”
What’s more, Charles thought this was a fantastic idea — since, as Hitchens pointed out 15 years ago, “a king does have the ability to alter the atmosphere and to affect the ways in which important matters are discussed.” And he, as Hitchens predicted aptly, would ooze piffle.
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