Since we’re on a crime kick, let’s check in on one of the cities most resistant to Donald Trump’s offer of National Guard assistance with the crime Chicago Mayor Brandon ‘Bear of Little Brains’ Johnson insists he’s got under control. After all, this was a weekend.
WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ FEDERALES
Now, while they did manage to keep the body count down after the previous holiday weekend’s spectacular numbers, that by no means meant there weren’t fireworks.
But first, there was some Miracle Mile window shoplifting on a pleasant Friday evening. I don’t know, maybe pick out – or up – a watch or shiny bauble for the lovely lady in your life.
And then you can work off that big dessert with a sprint or two.
Prosecutors have filed felony charges against six men accused of stealing $170,500 worth of Rolex watches during a smash-and-grab burglary at the company’s Mag Mile boutique on Friday afternoon. The caper ended with a cross-town police chase that ended in a crash and foot pursuits.
The men, identified as Victory Banks, 33; Will Brown, 21; Aldonte Goodman, 22; Anthony Hampton, 24; Dalvin Johnson, 31; and Armon Williams, 18, were all detained on Sunday afternoon by Judge James Murphy III on multiple felony counts.
Assistant State’s Attorney Nick Campbell said the crew pulled up outside the Rolex store at 701 North Michigan Avenue just after 2:30 p.m. Four men, three of them carrying hammers, smashed large holes in the display windows, swiped five watches valued at $170,500, and ran back to their waiting getaway vehicle. Store employees and a patron locked themselves in a security room, watching the chaos unfold on surveillance monitors.
Chicago police quickly picked up the trail. A CPD helicopter followed as the suspects sped south on Lake Shore Drive, then onto the Dan Ryan Expressway. Officers coordinated on the ground while the suspects exited at 51st Street, where their vehicle slammed into a parked car.
Broad daylight in Chicago and yet Mayor Brandon Johnson says crime isn’t a problem.
Will Johnson finally start caring now that a Rolex store was robbed?
(caitlinpayne93 on TT) pic.twitter.com/Tkjrf7m2VO
— Paul A. Szypula 🇺🇸 (@Bubblebathgirl) September 7, 2025
Thank goodness it was daylight so they could see what they were doing. It’s dangerous after dark in Chicago, you know.
Saturdays can be just as lively, too, with a round of, say, bumper cars.
Chicago Police killed a suspect in a robbery gang (that body doesn’t count for the weekend haul) after they badly botched a job and really pissed off the cops.
Chicago police officers shot and killed a man during an early morning confrontation in the Austin neighborhood Saturday after a burglary crew rammed two squad cars and pinned an officer, according to CPD.
The chaos began at 3:44 a.m. when a CPD officer monitoring surveillance feeds in the Austin (15th) District spotted four males trying to break into a black SUV in the 5500 block of West Thomas Street. Three of the men jumped into a blue Nissan Maxima that was waiting in the street near an alley. The surveillance officer reported that the Maxima’s driver was armed with a rifle.
Within minutes, patrol units swarmed the area. Police said the Maxima’s driver intentionally rammed two marked CPD vehicles at Chicago Avenue and Waller Avenue, trapping an officer. That officer opened fire, hitting a male suspect, police said.
On Sundays, you can safely enjoy the ‘art, culture, active recreation, food, drinks, shopping, and local attractions‘ of the ‘Sundays on State’ events the Chicago Loop Alliance organizes. The locals are thoughtful enough to get the stabbings out of their system while the workers are setting up so as not to interfere with everyone’s good time once it starts.
A man was stabbed seven times yesterday morning in the Loop as crews set up for the first “Sundays on State” event of the year, a showcase the Chicago Loop Alliance touts as an internationally acclaimed, award-winning street festival.
The attack unfolded around 9:18 a.m. outside the Target store, 10 South State Street, as two men got into an argument steps away from where workers were preparing for the event’s 2025 debut.
…Records show the assailant has been arrested three other times in Chicago this year: for DUI in February, for battery on the Magnificent Mile in May, and for a warrant last month.
I’d stay home on Sunday nights, though.
Two gunmen unleashed at least 45 shots in an East Garfield Park gas station lot late Sunday night, killing a 21-year-old man in a barrage of gunfire that made their intentions unmistakable.
…Even the dispatcher who handled the patrol officers’ request for an evidence technician seemed a little surprised by the number of shots fired.
“What do you have for the [evidence technician] to process?” she asked.
“45 shell casings,” an officer replied.
“You said 45 shell casings? Is it .45 caliber shells or 45 in total?” the dispatcher wondered.
“In quantity. 45 shell casings,” the officer confirmed.
In another sign all isn’t as rosy as the Bear of Little Brains paints Chicago, there appears to be a downturn in the fortunes of rap industry artists. Most incidents that I’ve heard of or reported on here have to do with rappers being shot by the gang member buds of other rappers. Somebody said the wrong thing, went to the wrong party, ‘disrespected’ something – whatever. They’re always trying to outdo each other in the tougher-than-you posing so integral to maintaining the fiction that they’re bad dudes, instead of run-of-the-mill scumbags.
I get it.
What was so delightful about this story was the surprise ending. A Chicago rapper named ‘Lil Mari’ (okay, again, whatever), who at one time had an Atlantic contract, has apparently been moonlighting as a carjacker, another not uncommon occupational side job for Chicago youths.
Lil Mari was busy with his three bros when they spotted a woman who had a schweet green tricked-out Dodge Challenger that these young lads decided they would relieve her of.
So they jumped her, not knowing she was a concealed carry permit holder who turned out to be pret-tee comfortable using her weapon to defend herself and her property from the pistol-waving thuglettes trying to steal her ride.
A shoot-out ensued.
4Block Lil Mari was reportedly involved in a sh**tout earlier today after an attempted carjacking 🏃🏾♂️🚗🔫 pic.twitter.com/rA1IFGFFs9
— The Chicago Wave (@TheChicagoWave) September 8, 2025
Besides bullets striking the vehicle’s owner, who recognized the adorable 16-year-old would-be rap star and highwayman…
…Lil Mari got himself shot, reportedly in the chest, thigh, and groin.
— Goofies Of Chicago (@Chicago_Goofies) September 8, 2025
The wounded victim drove her bullet-riddled car to the hospital by herself
Had record sales slumped? https://t.co/lX2MKSMFMq
— tree hugging s*ster 🎃 (@WelbornBeege) September 8, 2025
Darn ‘stupid kids,’ as the Bear of Little Brains affectionately calls them.
Yeah. You just can’t do anything with them at that age, right?
The victim lived, she has what’s left of her car, and she got some of her own back, knowing how to use that weapon when it was needed most.
A happy ending in a sad city, nonetheless, and I do love those.
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