No hyperbole in the headline, folks: Not only are these ideas real and executable — they’re entirely within our budget. No need to raise taxes; zero extra burden on taxpayers.
In fact, they’ll make money for us!
The first idea is completely mine, the second was inspired by an Instapundit conversation about a Don Surber column. (Let’s go with the Instapundit idea for our grand finale, because, candidly, I like it better.)
Have you seen this X post?
🔴 پزشكيان يتنصل من أي مسؤوليات ويقول إنه “بلا صلاحيات ومنقطع تماما عن الأطر القيادية ولا مبرر لاستهدافه”.
دولة خليجية – خاص
أكد مستشار سياسي في دولة خليجية أن الرئيس الإيراني مسعود پزشكيان أبلغ عددا من نظرائه في الخليج العربي ودول أخرى منها روسيا وتركيا أنه “في ظل انهيار… pic.twitter.com/g9W01v27Vm
— أنور مالك (@anwarmalek) March 18, 2026
Translation:
[Iranian President Masoud] Pezeshkian disclaims any responsibility and says that he has “no authority and is completely cut off from leadership structures and there is no justification for targeting him.”
Gulf State – Special
A political advisor in a Gulf state confirmed that Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian informed a number of his counterparts in the Arab Gulf and other countries, including Russia and Turkey, that “in light of the collapse of the constitutional leadership structure in the country and his disconnection from its key elements, he disclaims responsibility and stresses that there is no justification for targeting him.”
The X post has over 660,000 views, even though there’s no confirmation yet that it’s true. (Ed Morrissey at Hot Air covered the story.) No matter: Somewhere in Iran, there’ll be a high-ranking official with a legit-sounding job title who waves the white flag, and we could use this idea on him, too.
Because, according to the Wall Street Journal, the Israelis are already chatting with multiple high-ranking Iranians:
The Journal reviewed the contents of one call between a senior Iranian police commander and an agent of the Mossad, Israel’s foreign-intelligence service.
“Can you hear me?” a Mossad agent can be heard, speaking in Farsi. “We know everything about you. You are on our blacklist, and we have all the information about you.”
“OK,” the commander said in the recording.
“I called to warn you in advance that you should stand with your people’s side,” the Mossad agent said. “And if you will not do that, your destiny will be as your leader. Do you hear me?”
“Brother, I swear on the Quran, I’m not your enemy,” the commander said. “I’m a dead man already. Just please come help us.”
But assuming that Pezeshkian pulled a Roberto Duran and cried no más, President Donald Trump should publicly announce that he accepts Pezeshkian’s terms: He’ll no longer be targeted for assassination.
Trump should add that he always thought Pezeshkian was a wise and courageous man. Unlike all those other weirdos, maniacs, and nutjobs, he could actually see Pezeshkian running the country. (He’s a great guy with a lovely smile.) Everyone respects him!
In fact, Trump should publicly offer to airlift Pezeshkian out of Iran, so they can plan the new government together.
I’d then work a second wrinkle into Trump’s announcement: In addition to Pezeshkian, the U.S. has also been speaking to four other (anonymous) high-ranking Iranian officials about who’ll be Iran’s next leader.
(But naturally, we can’t reveal their names yet.)
Because it’d be awfully interesting to see what would happen next. All kinds of intriguing possibilities:
- Pezeshkian hopes to become the next leader, accepts Trump’s offer, and is smuggled out of Iran.
- Pezeshkian is deader than a dodo one second after Trump’s announcement.
- Iranian leadership begins panicking, because they’re paranoid that Pezeshkian isn’t the only one conspiring with the Americans: Who are the other four?! A wave of distrust sweeps the mullahs, preventing them from trusting each other or working together.
- Iranian leaders start jumping ship and reaching out to Trump/Israel, pleading that they’re WAY better qualified than Pezeshkian. Within the mullahs, a competition emerges.
With targeted assassinations, you can decapitate a regime — but the problem is that the 180,000 Iranian mullahs are like a hydra: When you cut off one head, multiple new ones emerge. Which means, we could be playing a whack-a-mullah for decades.
The beauty of this plan is that it sows discord, distrust, and paranoia among the mullahs that are still alive, rendering the regime’s braintrust dysfunctional.
What we can’t decapitate, we ought to lobotomize. If the purpose of warfare is to break our enemy’s will to fight, turning Iran’s leaders against one another is our most logical next step. The PR benefit is huge — but far more importantly, it also signals to the Iranian people AND the mullahs AND the Iranian military/police that the current regime is on borrowed time.
We know it, you know it — and they know it, too. That’s why they’re abandoning ship like rats off a sinking boat.
Because when the curtain falls, it’s a death sentence to be on the wrong side.
Total cost to U.S. taxpayers: Pretty much nothing. All it’d take is a few Truth Social posts, and if we actually decide to airlift Pezeshkian (or anyone else), we could probably outsource it to the Israelis.
The second idea has a higher startup cost, but once executed, it could generate billions of dollars each month. Pretty soon, it’d be a cash cow.
And it all comes from NATO’s unwillingness to help us secure the Strait of Hormuz.
Did you know that the ships that pass through the Suez Canal pay a feces-ton of money? The transit fees are enormous.
In just the fourth quarter of 2024, Egypt collected $2.4 billion. And over a ten-year period, Egypt made over $60 billion from Suez revenue!
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Hey, only a tiny smidgen of that oil reaches America. We don’t really need it.
But Europe and Asia? Without access to the Strait of Hormuz, their nations will plunge into economic turmoil. There’ll be blackouts, riots, and social breakdowns. There’s already energy chaos in Asia, which might explain why Chinese fighter jets stopped buzzing Taiwan for 13 days. (Fuel is scarce.)
In 2021, Russia supplied the European Union with 45% of its gas and 27% of its oil. Three years later, it was just 19% and 3%. Venezuela’s oil was already taken offline; Iran can’t export much anymore; if the Strait of Hormuz also closes, Europe is screwed.
Without access to oil, NATO nations cannot function as modern economies.
So, if America reopens the Strait of Hormuz for the benefit of NATO nations, it’s only fair for the U.S. taxpayers to be compensated. Furthermore, with the Suez Canal, there’s a clear legal precedent that the nation in control can collect billions upon billions of dollars.
If Egypt can do it, why not us?
By some measurements, more high-revenue traffic goes through the Strait of Hormuz than either the Suez Canal or the Panama Canal. Whoever’s in charge could make a mint. And hey, what’s more “America First” than the American people being the primary beneficiary of American bravery?
We could simply call it a security fee and charge Europe and Asia beaucoup bucks, but wouldn’t it be more fun to rub their noses in it, too?
Therefore, I’d present Europe and Asia with a brand-new eco-friendly carbon tax that’s applied to all ships passing through the Strait of Hormuz, schlepping that ruinous carbon all over the world. (Trump could tell ‘em he was inspired by the finest European mind of our generation, Greta Thunberg.) After all, I’m sure all the nations that so enthusiastically signed the Paris Agreement wouldn’t have a problem with it. If anything, they’ll applaud President Trump for caring so much about our fragile planet.
We could call it the Carbon Offset While Accessing Ruinous Diesel tax — a.k.a. the C.O.W.A.R.D. tax.
That’d be nice: Make Europe cut checks to America for being a C.O.W.A.R.D.
Of course, it would be legally helpful if Iran signed a treaty that gave the U.S. full authority to tax, patrol, and secure the strait for the next few decades. That way, everything we’re doing is 100% legitimate. Europe and Asia would have no legal basis to complain.
And I strongly suspect the next Supreme Leader of Iran, Masoud Pezeshkian, will be willing to play ball.
One Last Thing: 2026 is a critical year for America First: It began with Mayor Mamdani declaring war on “rugged individualism” and will reach a crescendo with the midterm elections. Nothing less than the fate of the America First movement teeters in the balance.
Never before have the political battlelines been so clearly defined. Win or lose, 2026 will transform our country.
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