It’s time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we’ll learn which fashion accessory doesn’t go with speeding, which drill bit goes best with trespassing, and how they promote awareness in Britain these days.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man in bunny helmet allegedly led police on 120 mph chase before surrendering
I don’t have a whole lot of experience with going to jail, but one belief I’ve always had is that if you’re going to get arrested, don’t get arrested wearing a bunny helmet. Word gets around.
There are two well-established ways to avoid that fate.
The first, of course, is to never ever wear a bunny helmet. Don’t even shop for one. You don’t want that particular cookie in your browser, serving you up ads for other furry stuff that I won’t even hint at today.
You’re welcome, America.
The second way — and this is when you find yourself unable to resist the siren call of the bunny helmet — is to not race around Florida doing 120 MPH on your motorcycle. Cleverly, he first flipped up his license plate so police couldn’t see it, yet somehow that ruse failed to save him.
Florida Man, true to his bad self, both put on the bunny helmet and hit the gas.
It is not true, as some reports indicated, that the police radar gun generated a return of “GAY!”
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Police Chase, Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Hold My Beer, Master of Disguise, Dude You OK? (7)
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Did Florida Man claim his helmet upon release, and if so, why?
Ain’t No Crime
Florida Men arrested after allegedly attacking suspected flag stealer
So this 83-year-old guy suspected this 67-year-old guy in a golf cart of stealing American flags along a local multimodal path, so he chased him down in his own golf cart. The suspected flag thief actually stopped at a stop sign during the chase, which is when the 83-year-old guy was joined by a 70-year-old guy to confront the 67-year-old guy at the stop sign. They took his keys and his phone, and then there was punching. Followed, naturally, by arrests and a write-up in Villages News.
Because the Villages, man.
I’d just like to add that if the 67-year-old guy actually did steal little American flags, then he deserved twice the beating he got. It ain’t no crime to beat up flag thieves.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, The Elderly, The Villages, Scooter/Golf Cart (times two!), Glamor Mugshot (times two!). (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Say Konnichiwa to Our New Old Best Friends
And Now an Important Safety Tip From Sheriff Grady Judd
I can’t stop laughing. 😆
Sheriff Grady Judd just dropped another classic.
39-year-old Matthew Zaccarino from Altamonte Springs gets caught trespassing on a construction site wearing a red lace bra, silicone fake tits, and a G-string… with a loaded handgun tucked under the… pic.twitter.com/JKhLD0OwNL
— Straight Florida (@StraightFlorida) May 4, 2026
Sometimes, the only thing I can do is to let Sheriff Judd tell the story his way.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those times.
So just hit Play and enjoy.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Went Viral, Trespassing (New, but should have been added ages ago), Impersonation, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), You Hid It WHERE?, Likely Story, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don’t Understand People Sometimes. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Video
Florida Man doesn’t ask for permission.
He just straps on a jet-propelled hoverboard, hooks up his dog to a jet ski, and goes for a Sunday cruise like it’s completely normal.This is why the rest of the country will never understand us.
Peak Florida. Never change. pic.twitter.com/4mqIIVM9YI— Straight Florida (@StraightFlorida) May 3, 2026
Maybe He Didn’t Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man busted for threatening beachgoers with drill during fight about chair
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you’re minding your own business breaking into a private beach when all you want to do is sit in a chair but the people who live there are all like “you don’t live here” like that’s some reason you can’t borrow somebody else’s chair on somebody else’s beach so you calmly explain your position on the matter by pulling one of those big beach umbrellas out of the sand and waving it at that really rude guy but when he failed to see reason you drop the umbrella and grab a cordless drill with one of those sand digging bits attached to it and charge at that guy explaining that “I’m going to kill you” which seemed pretty reasonable and so you’re running down the beach with the drill when for whatever reason the police show up so you explain to them you won’t be leaving by rolling in the sand and kicking one of the cops in the legs and at one point you maybe you used the drill to drive a hole into a beach chair right in front of the cops and the next thing you know they’ve got their tasers out and you’ve got the handcuffs on but you’re still pretty impressed with yourself for drilling a hole with a sand-digger bit?
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Trespassing, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn’t say, but c’mon), Assaulting a Cop, Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Trooper hailed a hero after saving infant from choking
You can see the body cam video here.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Went Viral, Police Bodycam. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 38 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Meet Mayor McDUI
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 38 points for another big-scoring average of 7.8.
Wow.
Meanwhile, in England…
Man pulls police car down the street with his penis – to ‘raise awareness’ for prostate cancer https://t.co/nLMkTVP5QC pic.twitter.com/dxGAO4WCeU
— New York Post (@nypost) May 5, 2026
He also set himself on fire first. So there’s that.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don’t miss Five O’Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest [BLANK] at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
