Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the guy who took himself out with the garbage, the craziest psychiatrist in St. Petersburg, and the Utah Man who brought a knife to a gunfight.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man speeding through Kissimmee in stolen Mercedes had 15,000 fentanyl pills on him
Florida Man was minding his own business, going way over the speed limit in a stolen car filled with a metric butt-ton of Fentanyl, when for whatever reason, police decided to pull him over after he illegally cut off a marked Florida Highway Patrol cruiser.
You may be shocked to learn that after reaching speeds of almost 100 MPH, side-swiping another car, and repeatedly driving the wrong way at various times, Florida Man crashed the Mercedes — which police found had fake temp tags and cloned VINs.
There’s a time to lie low and do the speed limit. Such as when your stolen vehicle contains “a loaded 9mm handgun, drug paraphernalia, and a box containing a clear vacuum-sealed bag containing 15,000 Fentanyl pills made to look like Oxycontin.”
According to police, Florida Man is a “habitual traffic offender.”
Florida Man was taken to the Orange County Jail where he’s being held without bond because this ain’t California, Jack.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual But in This Case the Completely Expected 9mm), Master of Disguise, Police Chase, Getting Caught Stupidly, Recidivism.
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Impressive. Most impressive.
Choose Your Weapon
Florida Woman busted for striking ex with soggy bread
So this happened:
Cops reported that the victim said [the victim] was arguing with Florida Woman when she “grabbed a handful of bread from the loaf,” wet the bread at the kitchen sink, and hit him with the soggy slices.
When deputies arrived at the house in response to a 911 call from the man, the front of his shirt was wet “with several pieces of bread stuck to the shirt.”
It gets better. When police arrived, Florida Woman denied doing anything but “could not explain the wet bread in the garbage can of the kitchen.”
There’s no explaining wet bread. It’s gross and wrong.
I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to wrap my head around the fact that a psychiatrist attacked her elderly ex-husband with several slices of wet bread and not only won’t face assault charges — probably because no prosecutor in the world could keep a straight face in court — but she’ll also continue to practice psychiatry.
Because that’s sane.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), The Elderly, Likely Story.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
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Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida woman injured while saving dog in harrowing alligator attack
Sometimes I love people almost as much as I love dogs. This is one of those times:
Gwen Cash was taking her Rottweiler, Maximus, for a walk near her Pembroke Pines home when the gator rapidly approached her pet, WSVN reported.
“Within five minutes, we weren’t here that long, and he was right there. I go, ‘Wow!’” Cash recounted to the news outlet.
“I scan the whole lake and that quick, he was right there,” she said. “He kind of turned like as if he was going for my dog’s throat. I tried putting my arm around my dog’s chest and that’s how I got scratched. I’m glad he didn’t close his mouth.”
She managed to wrestle her dog out of the gator’s mouth but ended up with gashes on her arm.
Cash said she thinks gators are “beautiful” but not “when they’re trying to eat my dog. … Hey, if not my dog, someone’s little kid could be playing.”
Indeed. Thanks for being the hero your dog needed, Gwen Cash.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida woman used dog urine for court-ordered drug test
“Here, boy. No, HERE, boy. HERE.”
Down in the Dumps
Florida Man ‘Launched’ Into Garbage Truck During Trash Pickup Gone Wrong
You know what I hate?
So sometimes I like to hide in the big trashcan we gotta drag down to the curb every Tuesday because it’s not like the trash guys are gonna come on Friday when the trash gets filled up by pretty much every week so anyway this last Tuesday I’m hanging out in the trashcan even though my girlfriend is like “Bobby, you can’t be in there on trash day because one time they’re gonna haul you off like the garbage” but it’s all comfy in here and doesn’t even smell that bad except next thing I know I’m getting launched into the garbage truck and I’m all screaming in there until these firemen came and got me out and the news story says something about the “apparatus” that picked up the trash can I was in but I don’t know anything about any apparatus just this big metal arm that came at me and I’m gonna have nightmares about.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: I have no idea how to score a story like this one so I’m going to award 3 WTF Were You Even THINKING? bonus points.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Cannonball Run III
“Dude, there’s no way,” according to Christian Dean, who took the video. “There’s no way that this girl is on here right now. Are you serious? No way. Only in Dade. No, literally.”
The best part, obviously, was when Florida Woman took her 20 MPH electric scooter into the left lane. If there’s a case to be made for the death penalty for driving offenses, you’re looking at her.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Went Viral, Scooter.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Here’s the Best Reason Never to Do Fentanyl
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 19 points for a semi-decent average of 3.8.
It’s another lower-scoring week but zero disappointing stories — I’m counting this one as a big win.
Meanwhile, in Utah…
Utah Man armed with hunting knife, pepper spray arrested at gunpoint
What was that sage advice from “The Untouchables” about not bringing a knife to a gunfight? Utah Man should have known better but it gets weirder:
(He) banged on the roommate’s walls and doors and said if the roommate came out of the room he would lose a foot. The defendant was blowing an air horn, said that he had booby-trapped the room and poured vinegar all over the floor in front of the roommate’s room.
Yeah, I got nothin’ because a story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday
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