Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the most embarrassing way to get caught ever, the finest sheriff’s deputy in the world, and the Texas Man who won’t let you see kilts the same way ever again.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man booted from Hooters before bizarre residential rampage thwarted by armed homeowner
You know how sometimes after you get kicked out of Hooters you have to rob a house?
Yeah, me neither.
It isn’t made clear why Florida Man got kicked out of Hooters, but it doesn’t take much imagination. The next item on his agenda was to try and break into a house — the wrong house, in this case, since the homeowner was home, armed, and fired several shots at Florida Man. He’d tried the door, he tried a window, he did $3,000 in damage, and all he got was shot at.
But here’s where it gets weird.
Somehow, 44-year-old Florida Man managed to drop his mother’s ATM card at the scene.
44 years old. Mom’s ATM card. Left at the scene.
Face, meet so many palms.
The story doesn’t say — could we get some journalism, please? — but I have to guess that the dropped ATM card had something to do with how police ID’d their man.
“Ma, I swear I don’t know how it got there! The real burglar musta stole it from me.”
This was just the latest in several arrests over the last couple of years.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Strip Club and/or Hooters, Crime of the Century, Getting Caught Stupidly, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Before we get to the next story — and, trust me, you need a breather — this Florida Man Friday is available to everyone this week as my little gift to you. If you want to enjoy more chills and thrills next week (not to mention years’ worth of FMF archives!) please consider becoming one of our VIP supporters. Use our SAVEAMERICA promo code for a whopping 50% off and access to all kinds of goodies, including today’s “Five O’Clock Somewhere” video live chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly.
Welcome to My Nightmare
‘Could have killed him’: 150 live bugs reportedly pulled from Florida Man’s nose
It all started so innocently.
“I started getting nose bleeds, constant nose bleeds,” said the patient, “I couldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom without my nose starting to bleed.”
But then this:
“When I went for the examination the doctor says, ‘I see movement’,” said the patient.
In his nose.
“Thankfully he prompted me to take a closer look at the nosebleed, so we took a camera and looked in the nose and that’s when things dramatically changed,” said Dr. Carlson.
Oh dear Lord no.
The images that the camera showed baffled the doctor; dozens and dozens of bugs, alive and feeding on the inside of the patient’s nose and sinus cavity.
The nightmare is only beginning.
The larvae produce excrement, according to the doctor, “that creates a toxic environment that creates the inflammation because there was significant abnormality in that nose.”
The bugs ranged in size from extremely small to the size of the end of the doctor’s pinky finger, and some had “burrowed into tissue.”
MAKE IT STOP.
But no. The bugs had to be removed individually with various tools because they weren’t coming out willingly and they repeatedly clogged the suction.
The unnamed victim has been given anti-parasitic drugs, but I’d have asked for heroin. He’s expected to make a full recovery.
Florida Man had neuroblastoma 30 years ago that left him with a compromised immune system, so you probably have nothing to worry about 150 bugs making their home in your skull.
Probably.
SCORE: I have no idea how to score this one. So let’s do 5 bonus points for living through the WORST THING EVER.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: This Is Why We Can’t Enjoy a Burger and Fries
I Did Not See That One Coming
Kangaroo wreaks havoc at Florida apartment complex, sends police on wild chase
As opposed to most kangaroo chases, which are quite tame.
“911 do you need police, fire, or medical,” the dispatcher is heard asking in the released audio from police.
“I guess police. There’s a kangaroo in my apartment complex,” the female caller is heard replying.
In the footage, the elusive kangaroo is seen hopping around the apartment complex’s pool deck.
“I actually see a kangaroo,” an officer is heard saying in disbelief. “It’s kind of a large kangaroo.”
The quick-thinking police trapped the kangaroo — which had escaped from its owner — in the pool area until they were able to lure it into captivity.
“No injuries to the kangaroo or any people were reported,” which is a relief. As it turned out, the owner is licensed to have a kangaroo, which is a little weird and a lot awesome.
SCORE: Wildlife, Caught on Video, Police Chase.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida woman arrested after allegedly slapping her mom in the face with grits over pizza argument
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Video shows Florida deputy saving a baby who was trapped in a car after a fatal crash
The mom and the two kids are hopefully going to be OK, no thanks to the motorcyclist who slammed into their car at 100 mph or faster, getting his body wedged into the rear window of the driver’s side, and dying more or less instantly, I’d wager.
You can imagine what a wreck the car was, and the motorcyclist’s body was partly on top of the baby, named Lola. Mom kept her wits about her enough to lay on the horn for help until Charlotte County Deputy Sgt. Dave Musgrove arrived on the scene.
Musgrove got the three-year-old, Ariel, out of the car first and flagged down another car to hold the child so he could save the baby. More people stopped, helping Musgrove remove the body and free Lola.
Video shows Musgrove quickly beginning chest compressions on Lola’s tiny body until she began to breathe again. Emergency medical services then arrived and continued lifesaving treatment, before confirming they detected a pulse.
She’s still in intensive care with a brain injury.
“I lost my fiancé six months ago, so what was going through my head was, ‘I can’t lose anybody else,'” Kayleigh Foley [the mom] said in the interview from the hospital, where Lola was recovering. “[Sgt. Musgrove] is such a genuine person and you can’t teach that in the police academy.”
Kayleigh also said, “The first thing he said to me, he said, ‘I really hate all that recognition; I was doing my job.’ I said, ‘Too bad, buddy, you’re getting it.'”
Here’s the kicker: “Since the crash, Musgrove has called daily to check on Lola.”
Daily.
I’m not crying; you’re crying.
SCORE: A record-setting six bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness because there’s so much to go around. Three for Sgt. Musgrove because duh. Two more to Kayleigh for keeping her wits, and one more to the folks who stopped and helped.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
P.S. I hope this story makes up for the insect thing.
Take the Money and Run II
Orlando man robs bank – just one day after being released from prison for the same crime
You know what I hate?
So you just got done serving time for robbing this bank and it’s your first full day of sweet freedom but you don’t have any money to go and do anything with and then you’re all like “if I rob a bank that’s something to do and I’ll get some money” so you show up at this other bank and you tell everybody you’ve got a gun and there’s gonna be a bloodbath if they don’t give you 50 grand but they only give you 30 thousand so no big deal because you also got that bank teller’s car key and you’re outta there in his car then a week goes by and you need something else to do and maybe also some more money so you go to this third bank and you do the same routine right down to taking some poor bastard’s car and they even give you the full 50 grand but somehow the cops find you and the 50 thousand dollars so you tell them “that’s not my money I never saw it before” and you even tell them you already done time for robbing a bank and you can’t get charged for the same crime twice and anyway you tell them you’re crazy and can’t stand trial but it’s like they’re not even listening when they put the cuffs on you and take you to jail.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Recidivism, Crime Spree (and Recidivism in one story), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
P.S. I think I did a decent job with the Fox 35 story, but it was so poorly written that I’m not totally sure.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Naked Truth About Super Bowl Betting
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 23 points for a lovely average of 4.6.
I’m still going to have nightmares about those bugs though.
Meanwhile, in Texas…
Man in kilt arrested after shoving items up his rectum in Texas antique shop
You don’t understand how bad this story is until you get to the part where, after shoving various antiques up there, he put them back on the shelves.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday
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